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[sticky post] Sep. 16th, 2015

An important lesson:

You do NOT have to change who you are to fit in with some silly internet community. Internet communities and their circlejerks come and go, and there's no reason to waste time trying to make a single one of those people happy unless it's making you happy, too.

Jan. 26th, 2016

Many many ads lately on Perk (both TV and Pop Quiz) have been for Boi-nie Sandaas.

I wish I could be really excite about politics again, but I just... cannot seem to manage it. /smitty

It's a really important election year... at least it will be if fucking TRUMP gets the nomination. Which sounds like some insane alternate universe Family Guy or Futurama episode or something, it's too goddamn absurd to be real.

I'm just not able to panic about that yet. Just like I'm not able to be excited or invested or anything about either Bernie or Hillary because it's too early. And I feel, in hindsight, like a damn fool for all my Hillary bullshit in 2008. And I'm not going to let that happen again.

...THAT SAID. My dad was like, "...You don't want to go to the caucus, do you?!?" And I'm like, "...Aye?!" I don't understand why he doesn't want to go. It's not going to be like last time, I swear to god, jesus and a lemon. It won't be. No. It's, "I vote for (whoever), bai bai."

But who is the (whoever)?! 

Jan. 22nd, 2016

I kinda forgot how funny "Paradise by the Dashboard Light" is. It just came on Jack-FM. I probably haven't listened to it in at least a couple years. I still love Meat Loaf's music but I tend to only listen to his smaller songs lately ("Razor's Edge", which is totally my image song, and some others). The big, 10 minute long epic songs I only save for nights when I'm reeeally in the mood.

But what a funny, clever, awesome song. I grew up with it, but I remember my mom having to explain everything to me. And even then I didn't really get it.

"Why is he so upset? What do they want to do?"

"What does 'sleep on it' mean?"

"Ha ha! Why don't they like each other anymore?"

Seriously though. "....LET ME SLEEP ON IT, BABY!" is probably the funniest response to "Will you love me forever?" I've ever heard. It's such a cop-out, it's such a seventeen year old answer. And her insistence that the first guy she ever sleeps with MUST BE HER ONE AND ONLY TRUE LOVE is also a very funny and seventeen year old idea.

And "Praying for the end of time" is equally hilarious and tragic. He swore on his mother's grave!!!

I do feel like this problem is probably a teensy bit outdated. I know there are still strongly religious people who will stay together even when they hate each other. (And then there are people like my parents who don't like each other ONE BIT but have been married for 42 years. And not even just "for the kid". Just because of inertia!) But I definitely feel like nowadays, you don't see as many miserable marriages between people who are stuck because they did it as teenagers. Now it's just, "Pssh, see ya."

Which is a good thing, I think. Fewer miserable couples mean fewer miserable couples having miserable kids. I think. Probably.

Yes. Anyway. Good song. *Thumbs up*

Of course, in hindsight, it's really damn sad that they did this on Glee. Finn sang Meat Loaf's part and hearing Cory Monteith raging about how much he wants the "end of time" to come is really not funny anymore at ALL. Even though it was SUCH a good performance.   

Dec. 15th, 2015

Looking back at one's textbook manic episodes, and seeing them for what they really are (textbook manic episodes) really drains a lot of the fun out of reminiscing.

Nov. 21st, 2015

I have never had tooth pain this bad in my life, I am literally up to seven excedrin AT A FUCKING TIME. The dentist gave me Tylenol 3 which basically keep me from screaming, but I only have 8 of them and my root canal isn't until Tuesday.

I woke up this morning at like 6 and it took over 2 hours for the pain medication to do anything.

During that time, I reminisced about Countdown to Destruction... and how it felt to be a 13 year old who had never experienced real loss before. Man, I was so not remotely prepared for that ending. At. All.

My dad was just like he is now, and he had joked in the weeks before the finale, "I'm sure that spiky green guy will take off his helmet and he'll be all blond and dreamy, and then he and the princess of darkness chick will run off to Malibu together." He might have even said that Ecliptor would look like Leonardo DiCaprio. *snort*

And yes! Thirteen year old me really believed that would happen! Because it's POWER RANGERS, they wouldn't just randomly kill this incredibly sympathetic character who has spent all season redeeming himself again and again. This is Power Rangers, a show for kids. No one ever DIES. Especially not flawless spiky green guy Ecliptor.

So yeah. THEN THEY KILL FLAWLESS SPIKY GREEN GUY ECLIPTOR. Like this kids show from the 90s was Game of Thrones or something! You really can't imagine how shocking that was.



Nov. 18th, 2015

While renewing my insurance, I noticed that at this time last year, my income was $1400/month.

As of right now, it's exactly half that.

The next couple of months are going to be HILARIOUS!

Oct. 26th, 2015

Thinking deep thoughts. Why was I so ready to end my LIFE, my entire LIFE and everything that I am, over some money? Several thousand dollars? Why was that my FIRST FUCKING IMPULSE and my absolute plan for so many months?

And what has shifted in my mind where it's NOT my first impulse anymore? Why did it make so much sense for so long and why doesn't it make sense now? And when it makes sense again, what will I do?

The Star Trek TOS ep, "The Enemy Within", played a few days ago. That is one fucking accurate portrayal of bipolar. Especially the "evil", manic Kirk who did not care that he was going to kill himself if he kept attacking the other Kirk. "Good" Kirk yelling at him that "(he) can't hurt (him), they're connected!" and evil Kirk is all LOL LIKE I CARE. I related to that episode on a scary level. I suppose a lot of bipolar people do. Especially the self-harming/self-sabotaging ones.

But, damn. Why the fuck didn't McCoy relieve BOTH Kirks of duty. I mean if there was ever a time for it. God almighty.

I might as well be honest

I closed my Roth IRA today. I was crying and shit and told my dad that I couldn't face the shame alone, so he came in with me. Even though the banker was nice about it, I was still really upset.

I got back around a thousand. What? A thousand? Don't most people have big Roth IRAs with contributions in the tens of thousands by now? Did I NEVER actually contribute?

No, I didn't. No I fucking didn't because I was a goddamned idiot and I used the money intended for IRA contributions to pay bills. Now it's too late. Now it's too fucking late.

So I can either pay one card off entirely and mess around with teensy payments for the others, or do teensy payments for all of them. Or I could take the whole shebang and just write a check directly to the Minnesota Cremation Society.

Ha ha, suicide joke! I'm kidding! No, I really am. I need to see who wins president in 2016. But that's about it, I'm not even gonna lie.

But then I mixed klonopin with excedrin and didn't eat a damn thing all day so I was actually really feeling good. Pain wasn't even too bad (though my equilibrium was really off). So I was like dancing on a cloud of drug and NONE OF THIS SHIT MATTERED for awhile. And October seemed nice and friendly like it did when I was a kid. Not cruel and menacing like it does now. October and I used to be pals. Really.

Stupid ass. 

Sep. 27th, 2015

I could teach Ralph de Bricassart a thing about how to stop wanting.

Take that feeling. That precious and rare feeling. Shove it down, into a hole. Deprive it of light, of heat, of air. Crush it down. Bury it alive. IGNORE IT WHEN IT SCREAMS.

Do this over and over again until... Well, until its subdued. Nothing but a brief blip on the radar every so often that you quickly take care of by dulling it with drugs or distractions.

Eventually, you will be too damn dead and afraid to ever     want   anything again, you dapper motherfucker.

how deep is your love?

Weird weather. It rained all night and all day today. Thunder and everything. But the temperature is lower so I'm not dying like I was yesterday. The fucking humidity yesterday, good god.

Had an appointment with Kumar, I feel like he's not really listening. Of course there's only so much another person can do when I go in there crying and talking about the despair and hopelessness, and then I just go silent because... is it a self-fulfilling prophecy that I will absolutely grow suicidal in winter again? Who knows. But I just didn't say anything more because fuck it.

You can TELL when a doctor has never had mental health issues or been suicidal, you can TELL because the way they talk about your emotions and actions are so... abstract. So theoretical. And there's so much detachment.

I almost asked him about the thing on my leg, how it's STILL not completely healed, but that probably wouldn't have been a good idea. :/ Even though it's been since August 3 or something, he might have flipped out.

I mean, jesus, literally EVERY time I go to the doctor, I feel like if I'm really honest with him, he'd have no choice but to put me in the hospital again. And that's not a great position to be in when I have things I need to do at home even if I AM thinking about ways to hurt myself while I'm doing them.

But while I was at the doctor, staring at the ceiling and crying, I wondered if I am just being really stupid about this and if I shouldn't just ASK that certain person to do that certain thing which would take away one of my major problems. Even if the consequences would be really bad. It seemed to make sense at that moment.